That's the only word that can describe how I'm feeling. I'm always feeling this way but lately it's so much greater than normal. This is how this a.m. went. Dog barking at 5, take him out, feed him and set my alarm for 6:45. Alarm goes off, I will it to go away and beg in my head for more sleep, I snooze it for as long as possible...knowing the longer I snooze it, the more stressful the morning will be. Finally drag my ass out of bed at 2 til 7 and grab a few cookies to give to Jason. I'm sorry but I'm sick and tired of bringing him breakfast in bed every morning. Even though it only consists of little debbies, cookies, or cake it's still served to him in bed every morning by me. This is something I started when we first married and was so happy to do it...now I loathe it! I lay down next to Alex, who has run over to our bed in the middle of the night and again steal a few more minutes of shut eye. Dreading what is to come once she wakes up. She's so grumpy and whiny in the morning and it's like walking on nails around her. Heaven forbid I do anything wrong to set her off. Give her cookies for breakfast too, after she's thrown every other option across the room because it's not what she want. Hey, at least they're organic and actually semi-healthy. I notice her teeth desperately need brushed (not going to attempt it this morning) so note to self to brush teeth this evening. Bribe, wrestle, threaten, and beg her while getting her dressed. Threats of throwing away her new easter dress, telling the easter bunny how bad she is, bribing her with her favorite activity (writing on a paper on a clipboard) and nearly losing my cool...I finally have her clothed (never mind I've been letting her sleep in shirts that are suitable to wear the next day because it shaves a step off of our routine. Finally dressed and fed and the big hair fight comes next. It was actually relatively easy this morning because I parked her in front of PBS while I navigated all of the tangles. Her pony tail was far from perfect but at least most of the tangles were out. Find her clipboard that she's incessantly asking for along with her 'white pen'. Heaven forbid we lose that pen--I think there is a little OCD there. Put her spring coat on, even though she really should wear her winter coat but she insists on her 'pat coat' (a crummy coat given to her from a neighbor last year). Load her in the car, plant a kiss firmly on her cheeks which she grimaces from and wipes off. Run back inside to get her blanket and milk (absolutely cannot forget those). And she's finally ready. By the way, Jason takes her to daycare in the a.m.

All the while, during what feels like WWIII, Jason is asking about clean towels, a shirt that's been in the laundry for well over two weeks, the smell in the kitchen, where he might find clean underwear. I turn into royal bitch to him. Everything he asks for or comments about feels like a direct hit toward my lack of ability to be a good housewife and mom. He's not really being mean but I take it so personally when he says...'have you found my white belt?'. I mean yeah, I saw it in the basement last week, was too lazy to take it out of the pants that have been waiting to go in the washer for a week, so I'm sure it's still down there where I last saw it. I'm thinking, 'walk your lazy ass down stairs and look for it yourself'. I mean give me a break, if I were looking for my belt I'd never ask him about it!!!

Well, I'm rambling. I'm just overwhelmed. Working, being a mom, being a wife, and being a housekeeper is just too much. I'm failing at pretty much all of those above mentioned jobs. I half ass it at work worrying about what I should do at home, I'm usually a pretty good mom (i'd call it my strength) but still Alex is in daycare 8 plus hours a day so really I'm paying someone to be mom for me part of the time. I'm sucking it up as wife, I've let myself go, haven't shaved my legs in well over a month, have chin hair, grey hair, about 50 extra pounds...you know all those things husbands just love. And house keeping, that's another story. Gone are the days of a nice neat house where everything has it's place. Instead, I've got 3 day old dishes in the sink, clean laundry that's been in baskets since the beginning of February, dirty laundry that's been sorted but not washed for 2 or more weeks (it's easier to just buy new underwear and socks), bills that need paid, floors that need washed, dog hair everywhere... Oh when will it end??? I guess maybe in 16 years when Alex heads off to college but really I'd rather be with her everyday and live like I am than fathom her leaving the nest.

Wow my thoughts are everywhere...I think maybe I forgot to take my meds! That would explain ALOT!


tafkalorelei said...

Dang..just reading that made me tired. ((((hugs)))) No advice really but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hope that things will settle down a little bit for you.

Jen said...

(((((((hugs))))))) from me too. I feel a lot like that sometimes, and it sucks.

Maybe this'll cheer you up, at least temporarily:

You've been tagged! http://mymiracleboys.blogspot.com/2008/03/ive-been-tagged.html

Amy said...

I hope things settle down for you soon...I too got tired just reading! (((hugs)))